i mean paradise, he gave me hell

the title says it all 

 

Rise and burn

Im bein crazy this week..
Evry act ive made, it seems not coming from my mind
I gotta stop it
Bfore ppl starts to change perception of me

:)

Yes
I cant stop smiling tnight
A sense of relieved

God, thanx
Alhamdulillah
I'll make this opportunity a success

True it's the truth

Shit, i just deleted some of my truthful previous posts where i express the other side of my feelings so publicly.

Im not falling down the stairs and i will not keep on hoping

I will be enjoying my life even though it is such a solitary and monotonous one

Ok i sound pathetic

An evryday torment

Yeah
Im playing a game with myself
Like a fool
A pull of affection

Whose fault is it that make me startg to feel that way
Whose fault that make me keep a high hope
I could always leave this game
But i just couldnt afford to leave the player

I need a brave act
Im waiting for it where we could leave this game and be frank
There is so much fun things to do
So much fun stories to share

Make the move

The line if patience is now officially broken

I hate myself
I hate me for being myself
I hate all about myself
I hate my face, my hands, legs, eyes
I even hate my hormones (??)
God, y u eva even creates me

I have nothing
Ppl wont even notice me
I have no one
I keep things to myself till i feel like biting off my toes
I have nothing , no one and nothing, nothing

If i would slap myself without feelg much pain,
I would have
Till i'll lose my head
Cus i even disgusted to see my reflection

Shit
What am i doin

When talkg bout the past
There r smthg u never want to happen again
And smtimes u want to savour the moment again
There r past which u r ashamed
There r glory in the past that u proud of
Ppl sayings that we should neva rmmber the past
It is actully the past that teach us life

Discrimination

Human is full of discrimination
U just can see it
U totally can feel it, hear it or sense it
It is totally obvious

Evry single day
When i look at the tv, intrnet, or wtv media out there
Ppl that r physically beautiful r been given heaven for them
Although some, no, most of them r totally stupid and self lover
Beauty, fame, spoilt, are all synonyms

I do admire beauty
The one that is kept mystery
The one who have the rareness
The heaven of the eye that lies hidden
Seems so untouchable
And noble
And the beauty where i just never get bored exploring

Public where i face now bores me
I just can read them
So proud of their faces, but so weak at heart
Announcing their pretty faces with no shame, but their life seems so boring
Always being boastful
It will annoys u much
U just can read them
Fame seems to fancy these kinda ppl
Love to potray their life
For what?
So u can be respected?
Smday when u get mature, u'll probably laugh to see how stupid u r was back then


God gave us beauty not to be boast off
It is actually a test that lies bhind the gift
World may seems heaven for self lovers
But there r paybacks coming

Ive encountered myself
With people
Who always so proud of their faces
It doesnt cross my mind they would act that way when i first met them
I neva thought there r actually ppl who r not ashamed to admit they r damn too beautiful among their friends
And they look down on others
I was so shocked of the reality
Their demure faces r just mask
Acting to fool ppl

I've learnt a lesson
Never judge a friend by their faces
It just a mask
They'll annoy u
And force u to remind about their beautifulness all the time
Thats not fun rite to hav frens like that

The world isnt about me myself and i
Selfishness doesnt bring us anywhere but to hell itself
Ppl should look at others from their heart, their mind and antics..
Beauty faces just fades and dies with the wrinkles

Im writing for those who feels down about their physical,
Who blames god that he is being unfair

Think back
Cus u may be not beautiful enough but

Wait thats not it
Who givs a fuck bout pretty petty faces
There so much things in the world to explore
Pretty faces just for markets
Easily available
U dont want to be that cheap
U dont wanna be fake
U dont want to be smuggling with flies
Appreciate ur own beauty
Slapping urself for not bein beautiful is not a way
Slap urself for not realising how wnderful god's creation

Be healthy
Hav a healthy lifestyle in and out
And u will glow more than the word beautiful

U. Happy. Makes the world smiles with u

There r persons who appreciate beauty as it is
I love uniqueness
There goes art in knowing

nope.no one understand

i always being so repellant

i dunno what actually im traumatized of

is it being in a close relationship with smone?

deep down my heart, i want to hav dat kinda relationship.

cus i wnna share it all

i neva let myself hav comfort with someone

im always so suspicious

alienated.

i always choose a way that diverged from others

i choose to hate chicken

i choose to deny my feelings

i choose to let myself being a stiff person

and

this is all already embedded in me long ago

smtimes i would feel empty

my new friends here seems to somehow dislike me

or is it me being unsecure

it is bcus i dont talk their language

i dont see their view

and i dont walk their lane

they r just being a group of typical girly girls

but smhow i cant accept it

cus im too annoyed

i want at least smone

to

rescue me

and

bring me to a comfort zone where i can be myself again

a friend here where can replace my besties back then 

besties,i really miss u guys

the pearl of my life

Why so desperate

I would say that i've been lonely n isolated for quite this few weeks..

I'm quite sick of getting involved in my girl classmate's conversation here.

It has always been talkg bout boys boys boys

And they would whine n describe how passionate their feelgs

Stalking, scanning,

Is it satisfying?

And do you hav to tell me all bout it?

I won't bother bout listening to it at all

There r too much things out there r more interestg

I am disgusted to some extend

Seeing how they hypocritically behave in front of guys

Y don't u just CHILL?

Not like the world would end if u don't do coupling

I'm a very cynical, which is a superior observant person

I hate what I'm viewing

And

Do I have to behave like them so that I can blend in and to be accepted?

Hell NO

I already have enough frens out there and I don't care if I'm lonely

The world is still wide for me to discover

If only that time comes for me to hav that feelgs, than I'll accept it

But I'll be not wastg my time thinking bout it throughout the day

here it comes

i was so desperate for the lights to come in my life

and it came

abruptly

suddenly my so long forgotten plan to do in life

ignites again

i was given this beautiful chance

after all those miseries

im back on track

but

i had to leave something so beautiful that i took a glimpse of

the life inUM

i might just found someone in my life there

i miss to play basketball in the early morning

i miss to jog around um

i miss those people

but

i believe god has his own way to show his love towards his little caliph

now,i had to start a new life in KMB

preparing,if lucky enough,

i'll get to study abroad

and KMB is a starting point where i wear hijab

but,i cant promise anything will be permanent

it is my dream to wear it.

u and always u

when will ever this world had enough of me?

after one, came another

suffering in silence

wears a mask of a cheerful face

when half of my heart and mind is goin crazy

thinking bout him

thinking bout my family

have to excel in my studies

 ayah

everyday im missing u

hoping that god provide u the garden of heaven

every single minutes

memories of us flashing back

when u buy me my very first badminton racket

when u say ' acik,buat susu utk ayah'

'acik,urut kaki ayah'

'ayah suka acik masakkan sayur utk ayah'

;(

i wish to cook for u ...again...

i miss

when u teach me to play golf

smtimes when u get very furious at me

when im being miscellanous

when u promise me u would get well to visit me at UM

i remembered when it was for the last time u drive me out

u wanna buy a pair of shoes and we had breakfast at mcd

that time

i know u r in awful pain

but still

u still wnna take me out

it was for the last time,a breakfast together

ayah

u always so silence

y just u cant tell how much pain u r in

y just cant u tell u need help

u always suffer alone

 

u smiled when abg amir told u i got straight a's

that time u just had chemotheraphy

but still, u smile for me

ayah,do i fulfilled ur expectations?

there's so much i've planned for u

at least i want u to see me bein a successful daughter for once

being a doctor dat'll treat u during ur old days 

but u gone too soon

i just can do nothing at all

looking at u lying helplessly on the bed

it was painful for me

but more painful for u

do i feel glad to let u go?

away from ur pain?

i just need u dad, i just miss u dad

i hope for a normal happy family

but now

i already lost the best man in my life

im tired of this

after one,came another

when will lights ever comes?

you are the reason i tried so hard

to impress u.theres nothing more

ibu pun rindukan ayah

she hoped u will come into her dream

she even wants to buy house near u,

just to see ur graveyard whenever she misses u

this is the time where a question is raised

should i broke down and immerse into this world

or

should i take life as normal when theres a hole inside me

ayah,

ayah ayah ayah ayah