the rain girl

this seems to one happy umbrella

luminate vibrant colours

anyone can see it of it clearly

 but

 actually,

who did really see the tearing sorrow it hides?

no one

in fact

none could realise or care

an umbrella, produce rain by itself

when u not looking

...

when hiding problems bcome too much to handle

people might think a problem a teenage girl like me would have r not so serious

and

i also think these problems shouldnt be faced by a girl like me

the world is unfair

only if u understand what im facing

its a mix of every tragic events in drama u could think of

and im not really lying

im the umbrella that cries when people not looking

its soooooo hurtful

that now it comes every single day

...

im not used to crying b4

im not a soft hearted person

but when the God's test pressed me too much

its feel its not worth of life

my dream was crushed

my family was crushed

myself?

im waiting for a light

so i could shine the brightest without tears again

im getting sored out

this is taking all my energy

when ive planned all the good things i want to do in life,

now, 

just a dream i dont dare to dream again

unspeakable

the part that i wonder

smtimes,

i wonder how people look at me?

what r their 1st impression towards me

its all bout the self esteem issue

but

i feel im bein too much of the ignorance

cus 

i see other girls just can easily hook up with guys

how easily they accept smone that can be call love in their life

smtimes it disgust me

but

myb i just dont quite have understanding in that part of life

which i neva experience it b4

i always had this feeling to be the best in everything i vnture to

till when i was destined to lose,

i cant barely accept the reality

im not a perfectionist

but

my dream is to be an all rounder

which is for survival nowadays,,derrr

and for my parents

i subsitute love with obligation

dats y i kept my feelings numb

its a part of me that i left unexplored

soiled with feelings of rejection and imperfections

if u noe what i mean

well, this my life as a newbie in UM

sucker,,i say to myself

cus i only frther my studies in UM

Ainul, u such a loser,hha

ur frens r flying abroad and u still stuck in Malaysia

actually,

after the result of the scholar,,

i felt really depressed

plus my fmily issues haunted me

it is really depressing

crying in the dark is really hurtful

thinking bout the expectations from my fmily,

it is really killing me

i'd tried,but luck just not on my side

losing hope,broken vision, lost in direction, is all i had

this one hard time in my life

one sensitive part of me is that i hate to crush expectations n hope ppl put on me

dat only one thing i hate to do

i need new hope,new vision, which im still searching