here it comes

i was so desperate for the lights to come in my life

and it came

abruptly

suddenly my so long forgotten plan to do in life

ignites again

i was given this beautiful chance

after all those miseries

im back on track

but

i had to leave something so beautiful that i took a glimpse of

the life inUM

i might just found someone in my life there

i miss to play basketball in the early morning

i miss to jog around um

i miss those people

but

i believe god has his own way to show his love towards his little caliph

now,i had to start a new life in KMB

preparing,if lucky enough,

i'll get to study abroad

and KMB is a starting point where i wear hijab

but,i cant promise anything will be permanent

it is my dream to wear it.

u and always u

when will ever this world had enough of me?

after one, came another

suffering in silence

wears a mask of a cheerful face

when half of my heart and mind is goin crazy

thinking bout him

thinking bout my family

have to excel in my studies

 ayah

everyday im missing u

hoping that god provide u the garden of heaven

every single minutes

memories of us flashing back

when u buy me my very first badminton racket

when u say ' acik,buat susu utk ayah'

'acik,urut kaki ayah'

'ayah suka acik masakkan sayur utk ayah'

;(

i wish to cook for u ...again...

i miss

when u teach me to play golf

smtimes when u get very furious at me

when im being miscellanous

when u promise me u would get well to visit me at UM

i remembered when it was for the last time u drive me out

u wanna buy a pair of shoes and we had breakfast at mcd

that time

i know u r in awful pain

but still

u still wnna take me out

it was for the last time,a breakfast together

ayah

u always so silence

y just u cant tell how much pain u r in

y just cant u tell u need help

u always suffer alone

 

u smiled when abg amir told u i got straight a's

that time u just had chemotheraphy

but still, u smile for me

ayah,do i fulfilled ur expectations?

there's so much i've planned for u

at least i want u to see me bein a successful daughter for once

being a doctor dat'll treat u during ur old days 

but u gone too soon

i just can do nothing at all

looking at u lying helplessly on the bed

it was painful for me

but more painful for u

do i feel glad to let u go?

away from ur pain?

i just need u dad, i just miss u dad

i hope for a normal happy family

but now

i already lost the best man in my life

im tired of this

after one,came another

when will lights ever comes?

you are the reason i tried so hard

to impress u.theres nothing more

ibu pun rindukan ayah

she hoped u will come into her dream

she even wants to buy house near u,

just to see ur graveyard whenever she misses u

this is the time where a question is raised

should i broke down and immerse into this world

or

should i take life as normal when theres a hole inside me

ayah,

ayah ayah ayah ayah

 

AYAH

ayah,

i love u

i miss u

that saturday, we should have gone to port dickson

its bcus my dad had been always asking for a family gathering

he just loves the sea,the sunset,the seafood

he was lying helplessly on the bed

smtimes,he would summoned our names to help him rub his aching body

his body

was

so skinny that u guys cant ever imagine

i just cant tell and dont wanna talk bout it

it was so heartbreaking

it was on the saturday morning that we've packed our things 

get those food ready for the picnic

actually,my dad couldnt even eat a thing

cus his body was paralysed by stroke,

plus

he had cancer cells all over his body now,

its about 11 a.m.

my mom n abang sham lift him up to get him into the car

he was asking us to quickly prepared,

but

suddenly 

when we almost reached the car,

he passed out,
no respons
his eyes were all white
my mum urges for a doctor.
we lifted him to the bed again,cancelling all the agenda
,that very evening we went to hukm,hospital
my dad was submitted to ward tuanku ampuan hamzah again,
i didnt follow my mum and sister to hukm
and i regret that
we thought it was normal for him bein like this
cus it always happen like this
to and fro to the hospital every week
but
this time it was different,;(
that maghrib, my sis told dat father said
" ayah dah nampak jalan ke firdaus "
and he fell asleep with oxygen inhaler and all tubes bein pierced into his body

1.00 am,sunday
my mum was sleeping next to him on a chair holding his hand
while my sis was reading yasin
my dad look just fine
fine, means the bestest he could be now
then around 1.30 both my sis and mum felt asleep,
my mum heard dad mumbling smthg
it was like zikir,but he was totally paralyzed
he was so strong
he mumbles kalimah syahadah
around 3 am, mum woke up to solat hajat,
but @ dat time, when she hold his hand,it was ice cold,
she called out for him but no respons at all,
doctor came and declared he had gone
  soon afterwards,
i received a call,
my sis said ' acik,ayah dah meninggal'
imagine dat is the words dat u hav to hear when u just woke up
i felt numb,so numb dat my tears fell unconciously
ayahhh
ayahh,how could this happen
is this a joke
 till
when my dad's body was delivered to our house in cheras,
i still cant admit that is my dad

we continuosly reading yasiin
and
i took a glimpse at his face
for the last time
i kissed his forehead
for the last time
my heart crumbled
i look at his body in the graveyard
for the last time
sabar ainul,sabar
tapi,
ayah..dah xda.
tapi,
its better for him
at least he is free from pains
he was in pain for such a long time
its good for him
i believe
he is in a better place
cus he already saw the pathway to heaven
and he is my superdad, the only one i loved the most
the only reason i tried so hard to be successful
the only reason  is to make him proud of having a daughter like me
to live on his expectations
he is my everything
ayah,
mohd sharir b sharudin,
al fatihah